Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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