I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Congratulations! We have a period
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