I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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