also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Who wears a wallet chain?!
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
