Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
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