I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
