I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Rumble strips road head = magical
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
