We're facebook friends in real life
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
