Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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