we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
