So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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