i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
