Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
