Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
