There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize