1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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