I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
