I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
You smell like stripper and shame
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
