you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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