Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
