i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
