R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
