wanna go halves on a baby?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
