was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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