In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
