I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
