it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Semen is not good for contacts.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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