Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
where are you?
Hypothermia
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
