Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
