I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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