final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
