So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
