how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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