she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
