I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
