I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
