im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
