imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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