I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
