I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
