i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
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He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
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