He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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