ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
