Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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