I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
