Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
