it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
