I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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