He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
