he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
