What a fucking waste of an outfit
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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