we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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