I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
