I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
