Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
