Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
