someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
