Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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